2007年8月4日星期六

只是一些嘮叨廢話

好啦!終於替部落格班新家了(上一個不能打中文,真爛)。總之,Michelle,你要的那篇「崩潰」文章也在這裡(What Do You Want From Me)。不過請耐心看,因為那是英文。

各位請在我荒廢這第……5個部落格前趕快看一看吧!


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The Way Home

The Way Home
>>character: the little cell phone
>>character number: 1

A little cell phone accidentally fell into the toilet and was flushed away. He didn't mean to fall into the toilet, but his owner dropped him out from the pocket anyway. It was totally accidental. Though it never was his dream, that was the way he kissed goodbye with his home.

So gone with the toilet water was the scared little cell phone, screaming and sobbing helplessly as the darkness enveloped him. He could feel himself rushing forward along with the cold water. The world is chilling now...Where am I? thought the little cell phone as his head struck on the pipe hard.

"Ouch!" blew the little cell phone, though his voice sounded weak and strange in the dark, among the gurgle of the water. "Someone give me a light!"

But no one answered. Of course, since there was no one there but the little, lonely cell phone.

He floated and floated, feeling more and more desperate each day.

Then, one day...or maybe one "night", the little cell phone crushed himself hard against the pipe again. Feeling dizzy, he blinked.

Once, and twice.

Was his eyesight damaged by the overwhelming dark? The little cell phone was not sure. However, there was one thing he was sure about: There was light.

Puzzled, the little cell phone frowned. How come there was light down here in the wet, stinky pipe? Maybe there was someone else. Or maybe, there was a MIRACLE.

Laughter burst out from the little cell phone's lips. He was in the rough, true world, not a dreamy fantasy.

Wiping the tears from the corner of his eyes, the little cell phone looked down. And the sight made him speechless.

The light—the cool, blue light—was not from somewhere else. It emerged from his screen, flowing soothingly in the dark. He himself was the light producer.

Suddenly, new-born hope and strength rose within him, and he felt strong again. The darkness around him seemed not to matter so much anymore. He was the light producer, and that was the only thing that really mattered. The little cell phone stood, finding the water was actually not that deep. Why did he spend so long the discover that?

Carefully, the little cell phone started to walk, his hand kept touching the pipe in order to keep his balance. It was not difficult at all. The little cell phone smiled in the cool light, his eyes shining.

He was going home.

---FIN---

What Do You Want From Me

Yeah, now I really have something to say.

My mom takes my grades at school really seriously. I have nothing to say to this because it is serious. But is it really necessary to push me so hard? I know my math is terribly poor, but I had tried. And the results were nearly all the same. That's when my mom started to question me about my math problem. She has been questioning my school work ever since I was in the elementary school. Back then is was alright for me because I was the sort of "top students", always being at the top, blah blah blah. But now things are just different.

I emotionally collapsed once before, before the final exam. I was in pain, feeling the pressure eating me from inside every second. I couldn't sleep and sometimes I burst into tears without even knowing why. I always felt hungry somehow, and there was a hollow in my chest, so hard and heavy that sometimes I wasn't able to breathe easily. But not many people knew this since I almost never mentioned it to others.

One day I couldn't sleep and just lied in my bed, feeling the horrible hunger and hollow rising again. I started to cry silently, trying to feel better but in vain. So I walked into my bethroom and washed my face, combed my hair and then went downstairs at 3:00AM. I met my sister on the way and told her about all the shit, crying. It felt as if I was drowning, slowly, bit by bit.

I stayed in the living room until 6:00 in the morning, when my parents woke up, coming down the stairs. Surely they were surprised. And then I told them everything, for the first time speaking my sould out all so frankly. They said(my mom was the one who pushed me the most) that they wouldn't give me so much pressure from that day on. But now my mom seemed to have forgotten her promise.(related reading: Guilty, When It Turns Out To Be)

I know she keeps asking me about all the school work because she loves me and cares about me. At first I was able to stand those endlessly repeated questions, but than those words of care soon turned into something I couldn't take anymore. So my second collapse happened on yesterday.

It started when my mom asked about my math for the third time and it wasn't even lunch time yet. Notice that every time she brings herself to this, she can continue at least 10 minutes without stopping. Super mom, huh?

So I asked her to stop asking all these questions and to spare me sometime to breathe. But she just wouldn't. Then I suddenly started to cry again. I rushed to my room and locked the door(I always lock the door, so there's nothing special about it). After an hour or so, before lunch time, my mom knocked on the door and said that she wanted to speak to me.

I opened the door as calmly as I could. By that time, I had dried all the tears on my face. She talked a lot, but most of her words I had heard already. She just repeated them again and again. Then she questioned me if I was to sink myself in my emotions and do nothing that I was responsible for doing. That is the line I hate the most throughout my whole life.

After she said that, I found out that she never listens. Never. Or more correctly, she selects what she wants to listen and leave the rest rot in the trashcan. After some more talking she left and I returned to my desk and wrote three poems. All of them are for my mom. I especially like I'm Not Eating Lunch Today. (related reading: Contradiction, Again, I'm Not Eating Lunch Today)

Everything seemed to have finally become peaceful again. I did a test about pressure in the evening. The highest score was 20 and guess how much did I score? 17. If you reached 12, you're in great pressure. I handed the book to my mom and told her about the result, but her reaction lit the fire within me. She took the book and talked to me about my clothes, dropped the book on my bed and left.

What's wrong with you, my dear mom? Your daughter told you that she had just scored a 17 and what you concered about was only my clothes? Wow, tell you a piece of good news: I wasn't surprised, not even a little bit. Because I had imagined your reaction before I walked out of my room and gave you that stupid book with the stupid little test on it. Smart daughter you have, huh?

I'm only 16 and what the heck do you want from me?

Damn.
--------------
originally posted: July 11. 2007

I'm Not Eating Lunch Today

I'm not eating lunch today
Since I just fell off from a cliff.
I doubt that I can return in time
Because my tears are too heavy to be moved.

I screamed at ten thousand feet down
Here, wishing for your help.
Yet you just stood at the edge of the cliff,
Scolding me for being so useless.

I gave in out of weariness
And started to make my way of return.
Each step seemed so difficult,
With my broken heart packed in my bag.

The wind-dried tears became stiky on my cheeks
But I kept climbing, hoping
That you'd be there at the top waiting
With the familiar smile so warm.

Soon I started to bleed since the
Stone of misunderstanding scraped my
Hands and knees hard.
But I kept climbing until

I reached the top and stood
At where you had stood at.
Then I quietly found out that

You had just left and had
Moved the house another
Ten thousand feet away.

Guilty

When the bleeding sun sank
Into the horizon beyond,
Half of my heart was frank,
Yet not to me it belonged.

You thought of me highly,
And now you still do.
I can't face you without being guilty,
For in secret tears I grew.

Too heavy is your trust;
Too light is your touch.
Keep my promise I must,
Even though the work is not much.

What I am chasing after,
That I know so clearly.
Would you release my shoulder,
Allowing me to break free?

When the time finally comes,
I shall shoulder what I must.

Then I'd be able to look
Into your eyes
Without the darkening shame I've got.
 
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