What Do You Want From Me

Yeah, now I really have something to say.

My mom takes my grades at school really seriously. I have nothing to say to this because it is serious. But is it really necessary to push me so hard? I know my math is terribly poor, but I had tried. And the results were nearly all the same. That's when my mom started to question me about my math problem. She has been questioning my school work ever since I was in the elementary school. Back then is was alright for me because I was the sort of "top students", always being at the top, blah blah blah. But now things are just different.

I emotionally collapsed once before, before the final exam. I was in pain, feeling the pressure eating me from inside every second. I couldn't sleep and sometimes I burst into tears without even knowing why. I always felt hungry somehow, and there was a hollow in my chest, so hard and heavy that sometimes I wasn't able to breathe easily. But not many people knew this since I almost never mentioned it to others.

One day I couldn't sleep and just lied in my bed, feeling the horrible hunger and hollow rising again. I started to cry silently, trying to feel better but in vain. So I walked into my bethroom and washed my face, combed my hair and then went downstairs at 3:00AM. I met my sister on the way and told her about all the shit, crying. It felt as if I was drowning, slowly, bit by bit.

I stayed in the living room until 6:00 in the morning, when my parents woke up, coming down the stairs. Surely they were surprised. And then I told them everything, for the first time speaking my sould out all so frankly. They said(my mom was the one who pushed me the most) that they wouldn't give me so much pressure from that day on. But now my mom seemed to have forgotten her promise.(related reading: Guilty, When It Turns Out To Be)

I know she keeps asking me about all the school work because she loves me and cares about me. At first I was able to stand those endlessly repeated questions, but than those words of care soon turned into something I couldn't take anymore. So my second collapse happened on yesterday.

It started when my mom asked about my math for the third time and it wasn't even lunch time yet. Notice that every time she brings herself to this, she can continue at least 10 minutes without stopping. Super mom, huh?

So I asked her to stop asking all these questions and to spare me sometime to breathe. But she just wouldn't. Then I suddenly started to cry again. I rushed to my room and locked the door(I always lock the door, so there's nothing special about it). After an hour or so, before lunch time, my mom knocked on the door and said that she wanted to speak to me.

I opened the door as calmly as I could. By that time, I had dried all the tears on my face. She talked a lot, but most of her words I had heard already. She just repeated them again and again. Then she questioned me if I was to sink myself in my emotions and do nothing that I was responsible for doing. That is the line I hate the most throughout my whole life.

After she said that, I found out that she never listens. Never. Or more correctly, she selects what she wants to listen and leave the rest rot in the trashcan. After some more talking she left and I returned to my desk and wrote three poems. All of them are for my mom. I especially like I'm Not Eating Lunch Today. (related reading: Contradiction, Again, I'm Not Eating Lunch Today)

Everything seemed to have finally become peaceful again. I did a test about pressure in the evening. The highest score was 20 and guess how much did I score? 17. If you reached 12, you're in great pressure. I handed the book to my mom and told her about the result, but her reaction lit the fire within me. She took the book and talked to me about my clothes, dropped the book on my bed and left.

What's wrong with you, my dear mom? Your daughter told you that she had just scored a 17 and what you concered about was only my clothes? Wow, tell you a piece of good news: I wasn't surprised, not even a little bit. Because I had imagined your reaction before I walked out of my room and gave you that stupid book with the stupid little test on it. Smart daughter you have, huh?

I'm only 16 and what the heck do you want from me?

Damn.
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originally posted: July 11. 2007